State of Mind: Broken

Last night was not fun, and what really sucks is I can’t remember alot of things.

I don’t understand why everything bad has to happen to good people. Like Jess L. She is really nice, and everything always turns out shitty for her.

I never meant for things to happen. And I don’t understand why they did. Everyone told me that they were nice people. And to be honest, I still think Steve and Justin are. Despite what people want me to think.

When things go wrong and you need someone to hold you. Whose name do you call out? Well normally a friend, and then if you are dating someone, usually their name pops up. Well not with me, yes I did ask to speak to friends, but I kept calling for Gordon. Something bad happened and his name is the first name I think of.

I think things are over between Cody and I. I knew they weren’t going to last. People were right and I don’t think that it is fair that I have to call him all the time, and ask him to hang out with me (practically beg him to see me) and even then he still doesn’t want to. Unless he wants sex.

Why is it with Cody it bugs me that I have to call him, and I have to make the plans. But with Gordon, I don’t care that I have to call and make plans.

Then there is Justin. I met him yesterday and I think he is a nice guy (except for the thing that happened). He is pretty hott, and he seemed interested, but more then likely not. I also just met Steve (or Ninja Steve as people call him). He too is hott, and pretty nice. But I think Jess likes him too, so I don’t want to go there.

I don’t think I can ever be in a relationship until Gordon and I see each other, or date. Or get some closure with him. I am thinking about calling him tonight when he gets home from his dad’s but I don’t know. Maybe I will just talk to him tomorrow at school.

Anyways. I am going to go. I feel really weird right now, and I don’t know what I am going to do.

Mind your fucking Business!!!!

I almost blew a fucking gasget (?) last night while working. And to be truthful I just wish they had’ve fucking suspended me.

I work with fucking idiots who don’t know how to mind their fucking business and place their opinoins where they are not needed to be heard. Last night I was so fucking pist. Crystal thinks she is the god damn shit and it pisses me off as well as pisses other people off. I was joking around with Steve (because I made a “mama” joke and he said that his mom died. I knew it wasn’t true, but he had me going. Sarah asked me why Steve was so “sad” and wasn’t working faster. I had said because his mom “died”) Crystal told me that she didn’t want to hear that. And I told her to shut up. She replied with “Don’t tell me to shut up, and if you do it again…” (or something like that) I interupted her, and said something like…”Crystal I don’t want to hear your opinion, shut up” I had already been mad at her from like three times before. So I really didn’t care what I said. Before that, I had asked Sarah to buy me some booze and Sarah said sure. I got to work and everyone was bitching at her. She ended up not going, and I felt really bad. Crystal was the biggest problem last night. And I fucking hate that she can stick her nose into other people’s business but when I try something she fucking bitches.

I hate how McDonald’s has so much favoritism and some people can get away with it. I wish I had’ve left though. I wish that I had of walked out. People who are looking for a job at McDonald’s I suggest you don’t. It’s weird how I went from bragging and getting pist off when people dissed McDonald’s (as A job) but now I hate it, and diss it everyday. I go to school for the majority of the day, and then after school I walk to work but really I am just going back to school. Seeing as everyone that works there is from Clarke, Bowmanville or St. Steven’s High School. And since they are mostly teens, there is lots of drama. Honestly I basically begged Janice to fucking suspend me. I wanted to leave. Adam knew that I was fucking pist, because my eyes were watering, and just because he knows me. He told me to go get a drink. I went into the crew room and started punching the walls.

I hate it when people can’t just shut their fucking mouths. It pisses me off completely. Yes I also but in sometimes, but I mean atleast when someone tells me that they don’t care what I say (depending on the situation) I just leave it alone. I don’t fucking care.

……………………………………………….

I am so happy to be drinking today, because I really need to let loose. I have been thinking alot lately, and the dream I had last night doesn’t help. For any rumors you may here. I am not braking up with Cody. I am hanging out with Jess L, and basically her friends today. Luke (cowboy), Justin, and some guy named Ninja Steve (who is fucking hott!). I think that we are all drinking, all I know, is I definatly am.

After all this fun, I was supposed to work CLO tonight but Saige took my shift because I took his CLO tomorrow. Now I know what your thinking Miss Misery. And please don’t get mad at me again. I might still be with Jess and everyone until late. And my parents still think I Am working CLO tonight so I Might go and see if I can talk things out with Cody. But I doubt it.

Speaking of Cody. I really don’t know anymore. Why is it that everytime I find someone I like, and try to have a relationship I always end up crying because I still think about Gordon. I still like him. I hate myself because I just want to get over him, and if I don’t then I just want to be with him. I put pictures and everything that reminded me of him away. But everytime I do that he has to do something really nice. If I am upset (which is kind of often) Gordon is always there. I could call him up and talk to him, and he would listen to me. He always tries to make me smile, and yesterday he commplemeted my skirt that I had just bought. Pretty stupid I know, but still, Cody doesn’t do that. However Gordon did say (when I called him after school) that he did like the skirt, but he thought it should be shorter…lol. What a cutie.

Anyways I am off because I really have to pee. (I thought I would sign off like Gordon signed off the phone yesterday, lol. Tell you later.)

One Month

Next Tuesday is going to be mine and Cody’s one month. If I calculated that correctly. If we started “dating” on the 30th last month, then would it be the 30th this month? I kind of hope Cody plans something, more then likely not though. Because he has Ball Hockey on Tuesday’s and he puts sports before his girlfriend. However I kind of would like to do something with him. It would be nice.

I talked to some people at work yesterday about the whole putting sports before your girl/boyfriend and I have come to a conclusion. Some people would hate that, but personally if I were into something I would want him to respect that and let me do it whenever. So in return I am going to do the same thing. (Cody just don’t forget that I am here).

This weekend should be interesting. I want to hang out with Cody, but I figured that he made plans, so I am going to hang out with Jess L, and her friends. I am getting some alchohol(?) for Friday, and if I can’t stay over at Jess’s house, maybe I could go with Cody. Or I will just walk around N-Dot by myself all night…drunk. lol.

I am so bored, we are in the computer lab working on something I already finished. And all I can do is sit here and think about Cody. And the un and coming fight with my parents. You see the first week of July we are supposed to go to this cottage thing. But the first week of July is more then likely the Wonderland trip for McDonalds. I don’t even want to go to that Cottage, and I know if I tell my parents they are going to flip and basically tell me that I have to go. Even if I work they are going to make me go. I don’t want to go. I know this is going to cause a huge problem because I mentioned to them that the Wonderland trip is more then likely in the first week of July, and they said “So What?”. How can I tell them that I really don’t want to go. I can barely stand being with them for an entire night, but for a full week? No. My suggestion is going to be, like bring my grandma or Stephanie can bring a friend or something. Just so they don’t waste a spot right? I know if I go I am going to have a shit time. Fighting with everyone because I already don’t want to go, and they made me. Plus missing Wonderland.

Oih. This is crap. Gotta go, the period is almost over.

Boys will be Boys

I hung out with Cody after school today it was interesting. We hung out in his bedroom and watched some Home Improvement (haha). And then went to the ball park and Cody joined his little brother, Cory and his friends Brad and someone else. I don’t remember who he was. Anyways that was cool watching them “play” ball…haha.

After about an hour or so, their older brother came and told them to get home because they had to eat dinner. I came home with them and because I wasn’t hungry I stayed in Cody’s room and watched more Home Improvement until he came up and got me. Then we went to the basement and watched Dr. DoLittle. And that is where I end it. That is where I don’t continue talking. haha. (use your imagination!)

Cody had ball hockey tonight and when he had to go and get ready he mentioned to me that sports come before his girlfriends. And frankly that doesn’t bother me. Cody likes sports and he should do things that make him happy. I just want to be there for him, and I want him to be there for me. I don’t mind coming second, just as long as he doesn’t forget about me…you know?

All night he was asking me if I was alright. I guess he could see things written on my face that I wasn’t too happy. He knows that I am second guessing myself, I do that often because I don’t find myself pretty or all that great. So I don’t understand why someone like him, who is really “popular” and good looking, would go out with me. It’s not like I can offer him anything. Maybe a smile once and a while, but other then that…nada.

I want to hang out with him tomorrow because I love to be with him, but I work, and more then likely he won’t want to hang out. Unless I ask him to like bike up and meet me at 7 tomorrow. So we can walk home or something. But nah, I don’t want to be a pushy girlfriend, and sometimes I get the feeling he doesn’t really want to be with me, like hang out. But I push those thoughts out of my head, and think about everytime he made me smile! I don’t want to mess things up.

Short entry today, I am really tired, and I need some time to think about things. Plus I am going to e-mail Cody. Later.

♥

My Printer is Out Of Ink

Tonight was a really rough night. It is 1:45am and I just got home from work. They needed a close/open person so I said I would stay. Then David asked me to take his open DT tomorrow (Saturday) and I said only if you stay for the rest of my shift. He said sure. I ended up staying and helping Drive-Thru, Kitchen and Close/Open and now opening tomorrow. This lack of sleep really sucks alot. But oh well, atleast I am up and awake. (For now). Tonight was fun working with Chelsee and David. Very interesting…

Today I read Miss Misery’s blog (like I am sure she wanted me to) and yes I will admit that I was upset over it. And I am sure she is sitting there waiting for me to respond with something just as cruel and mean, but I am really not in the mood to sink to her level. However I am going to clear things up for everyone (since not everyone has read the note I wrote her). If she actually read what was given to her Jess would have known that I wasn’t saying that her feelings were wrong. I was saying that the way she was getting mad at me for making other plans was wrong. But oh well, it’s not like she is going to listen to reason right now. I am going to let her be mad at me because for once I have done nothing wrong. Since my printer is broken I wrote alot of what she wrote, down to let my friends read (Chelsee) because it got me thinking. Did I really truly do something wrong? So far everyone doesn’t think so. Jess L read her blog and doesn’t think I did anything wrong. Chelsee doesn’t think so, Michelle doesn’t think so. I don’t know whatever. If I have been “selfish for quite some time” then why the hell you do even bother with me? If I am such a god damn problem then why do you bother with me? I don’t understand you.

On to happier thoughts. Jess L isn’t so down in the dumps anymore. Which makes me very happy because she is happy. I love it when she smiles. She deserves so much better then what people give her. Guys always treat her like shit and it pisses me off. She is really pretty and has a very nice personality guys should love. Guys are assholes though.

I can’t wait until tomorrow. I hope Cody and I can hang out tomorrow at his house or something. I would really like to just lay on the couch, watching a movie and cuddling for a couple hours. I am so tired and exhausted from pms-ing, to school, to work, and then friends and fighting, and family. I don’t nesessarily want to have sex or anything, but just cuddle. I haven’t hung out with Cody in almost a week so I really hope we hang out tomorrow after I get off work. Sometimes I just want to be held in his arms and just stay there because then no one can hurt me, and I don’t have to think. I can just be with him.
On Tuesday I wasn’t feeling good so I was balling my eyes out talking to Miss Misery (because her mom was going to drive me home, thank god!) and Cody came out to see me (seeing as his class is right near Miss Miserys’) and when I was crying he held me, and when a single tear fell from my face he brushed it away. He is so sweet. So on the 30th is our one month together (I think) haha. I wonder what we are going to do. More then likely nothing because I think that is a Monday and I am more then likely working. But hopefully him and I are going to do something!

Well I am now rambling about nothing. You can tell I am tired and bored. I am off to check out my myspace and website. As well as comment people’s myspace’s.

♥ Cody – Jess L – Chelsee – Adam – ( i am forgetting someone) Thanks you guys for being there when there are tears in my selfish blue eyes.

So I’ve Heard

Today was kind of interesting. For a fashion field trip we went to Toronto and got our make-up down by college students. Some people looked great but others looked kind of bad. When we got back Jess L, Kristina and I had to use the washroom so we went upstairs because the one downstairs was full. Anyways afterward, I saw Kyla and Adam and decided to go and say a short hi. I am going to say that I was going to talk to my math teacher because I had over-due assignments and needed help. But anyways Mrs. Touw caught us and bitched at us and told us to go down into the caf. We went downstairs but then we went out for a smoke because Jess wanted one. Now Mrs. Touw is going to rat us out to the principal because we left for another “10 min”. Whoopy, it wasn’t like we were disrupting anybodies class.

I am sitting here waiting for Cody because him and I were thinking about hanging out tonight. I can’t help but want to bitch at people. Everyone has been irritating me lately. Cody (right now) is a really nice guy, but people always have to say things to make me start regreting things. Why can’t they mind their own business? Someone posted on my last blog saying this:

Anonymous said…
Hey it would be in your best interest to listen to what ppl are saying. Cody is fucking awesome but he does have issues sticking with one girl. So ya just giving you a heads up I dont think any wedding arrangments should be made just yet. Have fun toodles!

What is that supposed to mean? Um hello…I am in highschool I don’t plan on planning wedding arrangments. It just pisses me off that people have to say shit like that…I don’t go around butting into their relationships. If someone says something about someone, that thought is going to be stuck there and all you are going to think about is that. I really want Cody and I to work because I am tired of getting together with guys and then they hurt me.

What am I talking about? I am happy when I am with him, why am I getting so worried? I just can’t help but to think that people are right. But people have said “He is just using you” Are you stupid? Why would he want to use someone like me, when I am sure he could get anyone. The sex for him is probably shitty, and it’s not like I am that pretty or thin. My personality flaws in so many different ways as people have told me (*cough* Adam, Miss Misery *cough*).

Too Shy Too Goody Good Your no fun. The list goes on and on. Wow you people commenting really know how to make someone feel really shitty. Thanks .

Later.

Cody

It is raining and thundering outside so I can’t stay online long so I just want to talk about Cody and yesterday.

Yesterday something came up during the first break. Luckily I was somewhat prepared and I knew I could make it through the day. At lunch I hung out with Miss Misery and she understood. I saw Cody walk out of the caf. with some lunch and so I yelled “hey Cody” he continued to walk right past me, saying hi. Five seconds later he appears again stops infront of me and gives me a kiss. It was the cutest thing ever. Later on I saw Cody and Dan walking out of the caf. together and I ran up and kissed him. Dan said “see ya later” to Cody, and I was like “Cody go ahead and hang out with Dan”. Cody kissed me and ran over to Dan. He is so sweet. I want to say that I love him but I hate using the word love unless I really mean it. Then came parenting. I was sitting in class, then all of a sudden I started gagging. I knew right then that I needed to go home, so I went to the office and called my mom. She was interrigating me like she always does when I call her. Then I went to Miss Misery’s class to ask her if her mom could drive me home. I get to the door, and she comes up to me, and I start balling my eyes out. Gordon, John and everyone in there was looking at me. Next thing I knew Gordon and John came over to me asking me what’s wrong and trying to make me laugh. Then Lindsay (?) a girl in Cody’s art class yelled to Cody “Cody your girlfriend is at the door”. I started walking away from the door, and then Cody came out. He walked over to me asking me if I was ok, he kissed me and then when a tear fell from my face he brushed it away. We talked and then everyone had to go to their classrooms and I sat in the hall by myself. Until fourth period when Jess came out and Cody came out. I walked with Cody to the caf. and then we kissed.

Cody makes me smile alot. But I can’t help but to keep thinking about what everyone is telling me. “You’ll only last a month” “He is just using you”. I can come up with many defences but those thoughts are still in the back of my head haunting me. I am not going to show it to anyone because they aren’t bugging me enough to bring it up and cry over unless they happen to come true. But as of right now Cody and I are fine. And I love being with him. He is the only guy right now I can be myself around (other then my friends *cough* Adam *cough*). Within three days of hanging out with him, things happened that I normally wouldn’t have done. I ask myself eveyday “Why?” And the only answer I can think of is the fact that I was ready, and I can trust Cody. And maybe there was something there that no other guy had? I don’t really know.

♥ Cody.

I love these pics.

Take a gander!

Cody You Rock My Socks!

(and everything else!)

Hickies OR Hickey’s?

I was supposed to work 4-7:30 tonight but that isn’t happening anymore. I got to work and no one said anything about the two little hickies on my neck except Adam. lol. I find this very funny but whatever. Ok I got changed at like five minutes to four and when I came out (fully ready to work) Daryll (the manager) asked me if I had any cover-up because I wasn’t allowed to work with the hickies. lol. Um, I rarely wear cover-up and besides cover-up wouldn’t have worked. lol. So basically they sent me home and wrote me up. Pretty gay eh? I find this situation extremely funny because it has something to do with Hickies and it was making my manager blush. Also because Bobby Skan came to work with a worse hickey and they said/did nothing.

Talk about rediculus(?) eh? I mean I am loving it because I don’t have to work and I have the possiblity to see Cody tonight. This was the first time I ever asked for them to write me up and I practically begged them to let me sign it. I am finding this hilarious. lol.

Anyways just wanted to update. Oh, and I dont want to let you in on Saturday because it was too amazing for words (for me anyways). nah nah.

Later.

Plans Fail

This weekend was supposed to rule. Everyone was supposed to go to JessL’s house for movies and dinner since it was her b-day on Tuesday. I got home and called Cody immediantly but found out that because he didn’t go to school today, he couldn’t go. I instantly thought that I didn’t want to go but it is Jess’s party. So I decided to head over just for a little bit. Until they started watching movies and everything (it was couples). But Miss Misery decided to come to Newcastle and then call JessL’s house. What was I supposed to do, tell her no I can’t hang out? Probably but either way I would feel guilty. I told Jess I wasn’t staying long anyways, and I figured that we would have all day tomorrow but now I am not so sure. .

Why is it that whenever I make plans with someone they never happen according to plan? Tonight, I was supposed to go to Jess’s house and hang out until we got kicked out and then hang out with Cody and Dan all night, and then go back to Jess’s house in the morning for a bon fire. And now I am sure that she doesn’t even want me there. Tomorrow I was supposed to get drunk for the first time, but that ain’t happening anymore because I wanted to get drunk with Jess and everyone. But I found out that it was only going to be me anyways. I am really pist off at myself because I left so god dang early. I know she is pist at me, but I don’t know what to say to her, but I know I can’t ignore it because last time I did, it ruined our friendship.

Any thoughts? Please let me know.

I would type about Cody, but I am a little mad/sad/confused/hurt ((at myself not Jess)). But I have to go because I am tired, and I am hanging out with Cody ♥ and hopefully Jess, Josh, Chelsee, Terence, and Thom.

Rap

For everyone who reads my blogs, I am sorry if you do not like Eminem or rap. I happen to like listening to it. Also with this song that I have playing now, I feel that it kinda relates to me (except no one dies). o.O

I am going to update probably on Sunday because the rest of my week is booked. Tomorrow, I am coming home at lunch with Cody and Dan (I think) because there is this stupid Battle Of The Bands. And thanks to JessL, I don’t have to work which means Cody and I can hang out longer.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH honestly, she is awesome!

Speaking of JessL on Friday JessL, Chelsee, Josh, Terrence, me, ♥ Cody, Dan, Scott (his girlfriend) and Thom are going to Jess’s house to hang out and watch movies. I can’t wait. And then on Saturday we are hanging out and drinking. ! lol. I will get into detail after everything happens because I want to experience everything first and then write about it.

I LOVE HER (JESS L) lol.